You Are Everywhere

January 10th, 2020 – There is an overwhelming strength in your presence, so I write.

Complicated grief is unlike any emotion I’ve ever felt. When Holden was in the hospital, his noise machine made the sounds of the ocean rolling quietly in and out, all day and all night; you loved the sound of the ocean – it calmed you.

I hold on so tight to that sound now. I found myself day dreaming of when we would make it out of that hospital room, together, to see and hear the waves rolling in, in person.

We would sit with our heels deep in the sand and I would hold you and stare, as the sounds and smells surround us; the stuff that the best memories are made of.

So today, I woke up and drove all the way to the ocean, so I could sit and listen to the waves rolling in, for the both of us.

Here, I feel safe to let myself fully feel everything as I think of you. Here, I feel you with me.

Grief and Vulnerability

December 22, 2019 – I have noticed that sharing and being vulnerable has been bringing those who have lost forward in strength. Those who unfortunately, can relate to my family’s current situation.

So here it goes.

I’m having a super hard time this morning. Anyone grieving knows that emotions change by the hour, the minute, & even the second. It feels horrifically surreal that Holden isn’t here sleeping a room over from me in his nursery; the same nursery that I go into over fifty times a day, completely devastated that we aren’t rocking back and forth together, reading the one of many books that he was lovingly gifted. Books I planned on cracking open every night for so many years to come.

I was born to be a mom, but specifically to be his. He looked so much like me; I can’t shake the image of that adorable round little button nose in my head. I don’t want to, no matter how much it breaks me when I do.

Every time I look in the mirror across his room, all I see is him. I miss him more than I could ever explain. It’s actually impossible to describe.

He is, and always will be, the best gift that I have ever been given. Mamas and others who have lost, you are not alone.

What Just Happened?

December 11, 2019 – What just happened. How can we go from holding our sweet boy on our chest to losing him in twenty four hours? How will we ever be able to accept this new reality? How does a parent go forward after their entire world comes crashing in? Holden, where did you go? We need you desperately. God please hold us up, because I can’t feel anything but the collapsing feeling of the air being taken from all around me.

Today Ryan and I are processing and embracing the heart break and grief, to the best of our ability. There is no manual for this. We miss our baby so much it hurts to even exist.

Every little detail about him; his quiet little sweet squeaky cry, the way he smelled, his perfect cheeks and lips, the soft spot of hair behind his ear I would touch to get him to latch and breastfeed.

We are trying to find some kind of good that can come from this. There has to be some light that came from the extraordinary presence his little being embodied.

Holden loved breastfeeding and breast milk. He was already taking down 30 mL bottles every hour. I think I have to continue pumping and donate milk to the sick babies in the ICU; sick like he was, to honor him. I have to find some light in the darkness right now. What does a mama do with all of this pent up energy, love, and anticipation when it cannot go to whom she created it for? I have to do something, because if I have to sit here one more second without sharing just how special you are with the world, I won’t make it.

If any mommas out there are in need of milk, please reach out to me. I don’t know how I will emotionally do this, but I know that I need to.

Hi, I’m Holden

Holden Hausfeld was born December 5th, 2019 at 6.9 pounds and 18.5 inches long. Our first born had finally arrived after eons of loving anticipation. He was perfect in every way – his smell, intoxicating. His skin as soft as silk. His cry as timid as the new kid in class and as sweet as cake. He had an old soul and was as calm as they come – the sweetest disposition.

His pregnancy was one full of perfect health checks, passing with flying colors.

Holden was unknowingly born with a congenital heart defect, which we were not made aware of until twenty four hours after birth.

Those were, to date, the best twenty four hours of my life. These hours were followed by the worst four days of my existence.

He was immediately transferred for care, but ended up passing away December 10th. If love could have saved him, he would still be lying on my chest as we speak.

In those five short days, Holden was able to take in milk, exceeding amounts that the health care team had ever witnessed. If he loved one thing, it was breastfeeding and his mama’s milk.

My supply had come in so quickly to meet Holden’s feeding demands, that I had to continue to pump after he had passed. I made the ultimate decision to continue to pump, as emotionally painful as it was, in order to gift other babies who were sick in the ICU, fighting as hard as he had. To give these babies a fighting chance at a heightened immune system and a beautiful life. A life Holden was unable to live. He was such a fighter.

In his name, I wanted to continue to fight for him and for the others who needed help fighting for their lives.

Fighting for the mom who just couldn’t get her little one to latch. For the mom who had chemo, therefore had no supply. For the mom battling postpartum depression, left feeling little to no support to breastfeed. For the baby who’s heart is ferociously beating through a defect, to see another day.

I fought. I continue to fight. To all the mama’s looking to make a difference – join me in this fight and donate to those who need us the most!”

Holden’s Three Month Milestone

My sweet, sweet baby. you would have been 3 months old today. Instead, you are on our mantle and forever in my heart, spending time with me in a different way. A way that I am still learning to live with.

Because of you, I am a mom. I am more me, then ever before.

Again, becoming a parent changes you entirely, in all of the best ways possible.

I owe everything in me, to you. You are everything and you always will be. The driving force for everything that comes next. The good in the world. The hope, the light, an actual angel born to this earth.

How lucky we are to be your parents.