December 11, 2019 – What just happened. How can we go from holding our sweet boy on our chest to losing him in twenty four hours? How will we ever be able to accept this new reality? How does a parent go forward after their entire world comes crashing in? Holden, where did you go? We need you desperately. God please hold us up, because I can’t feel anything but the collapsing feeling of the air being taken from all around me.

Today Ryan and I are processing and embracing the heart break and grief, to the best of our ability. There is no manual for this. We miss our baby so much it hurts to even exist.

Every little detail about him; his quiet little sweet squeaky cry, the way he smelled, his perfect cheeks and lips, the soft spot of hair behind his ear I would touch to get him to latch and breastfeed.

We are trying to find some kind of good that can come from this. There has to be some light that came from the extraordinary presence his little being embodied.

Holden loved breastfeeding and breast milk. He was already taking down 30 mL bottles every hour. I think I have to continue pumping and donate milk to the sick babies in the ICU; sick like he was, to honor him. I have to find some light in the darkness right now. What does a mama do with all of this pent up energy, love, and anticipation when it cannot go to whom she created it for? I have to do something, because if I have to sit here one more second without sharing just how special you are with the world, I won’t make it.

If any mommas out there are in need of milk, please reach out to me. I don’t know how I will emotionally do this, but I know that I need to.