January 10th, 2020 – There is an overwhelming strength in your presence, so I write.

Complicated grief is unlike any emotion I’ve ever felt. When Holden was in the hospital, his noise machine made the sounds of the ocean rolling quietly in and out, all day and all night; you loved the sound of the ocean – it calmed you.

I hold on so tight to that sound now. I found myself day dreaming of when we would make it out of that hospital room, together, to see and hear the waves rolling in, in person.

We would sit with our heels deep in the sand and I would hold you and stare, as the sounds and smells surround us; the stuff that the best memories are made of.

So today, I woke up and drove all the way to the ocean, so I could sit and listen to the waves rolling in, for the both of us.

Here, I feel safe to let myself fully feel everything as I think of you. Here, I feel you with me.